Who am I & Why do I want to be a Writer? - Confessions by Cristina G.

How many times have you looked inside yourself?
Have you ever...?

I know myself very well because I have been studying me for all my life.
I always questioned all my actions, thoughts, ideas...
If there was a thought that I didn't like, I changed it.

I want to be a full-time writer. It is a dream I never dared to dream until I was a millisecond away from a no-return point.

But why do I want to be a writer?
To make a living, of course, but why a writer?
Why not an actor, a singer, a model, etc.?
Well, I don't think I could act in front of a camera, I don't have a good voice, and I don't like being in the center of attention.

Do you see what these three careers have in common?
Being in the eye of the public at all times.
And that's not something I crave for.

I am a loner, a solitary person, an outcast by choice... or constriction?
I like silence, and I love nature.
I love spending time with myself.
I am my best friend, companion and candid supporter.
But I haven't always been my best mate. On the contrary.
I had to learn to love, accept and support myself and my choices. But to be able to do that, I had to change completely.
I modulated my thinking patterns, my critical eye, and my pessimism.
It was not easy, and the work is still in progress.

I am trying to learn to meditate. It's the hardest thing ever for me.
I can't shut down my mind. I know it's a matter of practice, like everything else, but I really need to do it as I feel that my head is going to explode.
I am searching for best practice. I do my best to follow the instructions of those who master this art.
I know I will be able to do it one day. I wish it could be now... but I have so many things to do... too many.
I had to prioritize and focus on paying my bills... although everybody says that meditation should come first.

It's easy to change one thing you don't like about yourself, but when there are too many things that need to be changed, meditation is the only way. 

Why do I really want to be a writer?
Writing can only be done in solitude, away from people and distractions.
People scare me... I used to scare me... but I've changed. I can't change people.

Why do I fear people so much?
If Oranges at Christmas in a Communist Country and Ten Years in Italy, Three Weeks a Human didn't answer this question, wait for my next books.

People who care for me encourage me to go out. They say it's good for me.
But I don't feel this way. I have never felt this way. There was always something else that needed to be done instead of going out. Too many responsibilities that I have chosen to take in the desperate attempt to help others.

Every time I go out, I have to push myself. I start shaking, and I feel like crying. I have so many things to do...
Going out it's torture for me. But they can't understand because people are not made to be alone. We live and die in pairs.
But I am only happy when I am alone.
Because when I am alone, I can cry and twist in pain without having to explain my insane acting.

I ache too much. Not for me, for others. For my siblings, my parents, my friends...
It is okay to suffer for the loved ones, but why do I suffer for just anybody I see?

I can't walk among people because I suffocate in their pain.
When I see an elderly person, I think of my parents. Or at my grandmothers... they suffered so, so, so much.
I never recovered from that. No. The wounds are still open in my heart, and they bleed continuously.  When I am alone, I don't have to stop the bleeding. I can dive into writing and forget about everything.

When I am alone, my tears don't make anyone feel uncomfortable. I don't have to hear their laughs or jokes about my way too sensitive nature. They think it's funny that my eyes fill with tears when I watch any image, picture, movie...
Every sad word said by an actor on a screen, triggers my tears. My heart starts bleeding in one instant, and I don't even know those people. Besides, most stories are fiction.

This is me and I chose not to hide. I refuse to adapt. I don't want to stop... feeling. I don't want to explain myself to those who don't even understand themselves. I don't want anyone to see me crying for just anything that is remotely blue. 

You probably think I am insane, emotionally unstable, depressed, anti-social or maybe a psychopath.
I believe I have traits of all these... disorders. I have studied them in depth to see if I fit in any or all, but I don't.
I am just incredibly aware of what's going on in others' hearts and minds.

The truth is that humanity scares me to death.
I fear humans' pain and their incapacity of controlling their loathsome actions.
I am dismayed by the fact that we chose to be mean following a life of poverty, misery or abuse.
I am horrified at how easy is for us to blame everyone and everything for our feelings, actions, and failures. Everyone but ourselves...
I am terrified of our sensibility to money, power, fun, status...
I am appalled by the countless crimes in the name of love and religion.

I am not happy with this constant excruciating pain and debilitating fear, yet I chose to keep this peculiarity of mine. I would rather be alone than adapt and hate or despise humanity. 
I won't fight humankind. I am already fighting against destiny.

Truth be told, I don't want to be a writer, I need to be a writer. I want to keep loving people despite knowing that many would gladly see me (or you) dead for no reason whatsoever.

A confession like this could ruin all my chances of becoming a world-known author.
I am taking this risk anyway because I know that somewhere there is someone who sees me for what I really am: a perfectly imperfect human being with outstanding potential.