There is a war at our doorsteps, many wars not so close, but the only war I know all about is the war inside me.
My persona is in crisis.
It's not the first time. No.
I've been reading some of my old posts...
Wow.
Wow.
Some of the affirmations, confessions, statements... mine, of course, made me cringe.
What in the world?
The impulse to delete all my content from everywhere on the web is very strong.
And I've got... some content. Like 50 blogs or so. I've lost count.
Who was I when I wrote them?
A different person?
It sure sounds like it.
Well, maybe not a different person per se. Same person with different feelings.
The journey into myself started late in life. It's a work in progress.
Just like English. I should be great at it but I am not. The more I learn, the less I seem to know.
So many questions. Such confusion.
And don't get me starting on my pronunciation.
Terribly frustrating.
I can't remember if it felt the same when I was learning Italian.
Most likely.
Enough about languages.
What about the books I've published.
Do I feel the same about them?
I mean, should I take them off the market?
Because that was in the past. I've changed a lot. It's scary.
Spoke to my brother.
He said I shouldn't. All I wrote in my books, on my blogs or in the newspapers is proof of my growth.
I shouldn't be ashamed of who I was. Or how I used to be, feel and act.
I was born a farmer in a large family. I was raised under one of the most oppressive communist regimes in Europe.
When we've got free, my personality was clearly defined. I was stuck. Locked in a cage. The gate (or is it a door?) was open but I was afraid to fly. That was my reality. I didn't know better.
It took me ages to find my true self.
Freedom is a concept of mind.
Writing about my childhood in the Golden Epoch and the reminiscences of it made me feel ashamed of myself.
How can I make it about me, when there is a war next door?
Ukraine's sky is clouded with shelling, the soil is covered in blood, innocent people had to run... if it wasn't too late. An entire country in ruins.
It's preposterous and heartbreaking.
It's 2022, people!
Have we not learned anything from the past?
What is wrong with us?
The humanity I mean.
How can we let this happen?
How did we get here?
Where will this go?
Is it really true that we cannot stop these atrocities from happening?
Can we not annihilate the idea of invading another land or country at its incipient state?
Why so much greed?
From where this endless cruelty?
Not only my persona is in crisis, but the entire world is also.
When will it end?
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